Friday, 21 May 2010

Jonathon Ross.

With regards to......*ahem*......'Wossy', this won't be as strongly worded as my other subjects. I do not despise this man anywhere near as much as I do Bob Geldof, Ashley Cole et al. In fact, I can easily say that I don't despise Ross at all. But he really does irritate me at times, especially with his tendency to relentlessly talk AT his interviewees rather than talk TO them. For fucks sake take a breather every once in a while and in the meantime let your guest talk!!!!!!!

I've come up with a new name for his show and I believe that they really should (definitely could) call it this: 'How To Not Get A Word In Edgeways on a Friday Night with Jonathon 'Can't Pronounce My R's Because I'm A Weetard' Ross'. (Make sure to say this at a high speed). Now, this may be long-winded, but when said quickly, it will be about as relentless as Ross' presenting style. I do think its a very fitting name also. I say this because it's stupid, goes on and on and over the top. However, the thing that makes it so suited to Ross is that it thinks its funnier than it actually is. JUST LIKE HIM.

He needs to realise that he's a presenter and not a comedian. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't describe him as unfunny because he can be humorous. However, Peter Kay doesn't need to worry about Ross as a stand up rival. Ross needs to tone it down a notch. I do think that his flaws are generally characteristics of the stereotypical chat-show host, but Ross seems to step it up to a higher level of irritating.

One of the things that annoys me the most about him is that he seems to have an incredibly high opinion of himself. Maybe he believes he's actually worth that ridiculous salary that the BBC gave him (I won't start on them, they're a subject for another day. These annoyances clearly contribute to his talking too much. But, I must say that I find it to be fantastic viewing when certain guests (most notably Noel Gallagher and Ricky Gervais) chop Ross down and make him look daft. Sometimes, its not just that they make him look daft, they don't even have to make him look daft, its the fact that he's made to look speechless. Its nigh-on bliss. Because not even he, "Gobby McGobberson", can muster up a response.

One of the worst occurrences of his constant yappin' was when Daniel Craig appeared on the show. He barely got a 'hello' in. I will use this as a fitting conclusion. HE IS JAMES BOND. SHUT THE FUCK UP ROSS.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Rafael Benitez.

This one will be more comical then anything else. As a Manchester United supporter, this man has contributed humorous, clown-like behavior for the last 2 seasons and I for one would like to commend him for this.

I shall start with, January 9th 2009, 'Rafa's rant'. What a magnificent piece of comedy genius. The only thing that could have made this funnier is if that repugnant little fat bastard had got involved. Of course I am talking about Sammy Lee. The Two Ronnies would have been proud. Keep in mind the fact that at this point, Liverpool were indeed top of the league. This of course raises an important question: What did Benitez hope to gain from this rant? Why was it necessary?

Benitez, like a number of other managers over the years, made the mistake of trying to draw Ferguson into something that has been a huge element of sports management for years now; 'The Mind Game'. This was a big mistake given that his team was beating Ferguson's. Plus, Ferguson has been in this situation many times before, far more than Benitez. This leads me to a piece of advice for Rafa. Although not very eloquent and very much lacking in wisdom, it is true. You can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Benitez spent the whole press conference talking about Man United and how he feels they always get preferential treatment. Yet his team were top of the league anyway! His repeated use of the word 'FACT' was nothing short of hilarious. Ferguson didn't even need to put any thought into his response. He basically said: 'I don't need to respond to that, I'll concentrate on my team, Rafa should think about his. Just the fact that he speaks about my team so much tells you that he's worried.'

Rafa came out of this looking silly. And because he's wound so tightly, he didn't react well to Fergusons response or the press' coverage of the story. What did he expect? The press only take sides with whoever they think will win. Surprisingly enough, it was Sir Alex that went on to win.

Like I said at the start of this piece, this was always going to comical rather than aggressive. So, If I Ran The World, I would give Rafael Benitez free reign to give more hilarious rants like this to the public. Thanks Rafa.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Real Madrid.

Easily the most arrogant, ignorant and pompous bastards on the planet.

'Galacticos'? FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF. A load of superstar footballers put together to win...........not much. Zidane was a genius, one of the best ever, but Barcelona still won titles when he was there. Valencia were even successful, with Rafa Benitez in charge for god's sake. Granted, Real won more, but they weren't completely dominant, therefore failing to justify the gigantic (even by football's ludicrous standards) amount of money spent. This past year they have done the same again, with Florentino Perez back at the club as 'el presidente'.

I cannot stand this club. They show nothing but disrespect and disregard to every other club in the world, even the likes of Manchester United, Barcelona and Liverpool. These clubs are not just any old football clubs, they are clubs rich in history, with traditions of huge success. Real Madrid do not show any respect for any of this, because it seems they believe they are the only club that exists and matters.

Take their pursuit of Cristiano Ronaldo for example. The fact that they wanted to sign him is fair enough. He's an unbelievable player. It was clear that he wanted to sign for them. Yet they still refused to respect United's wish to keep hold of him for at least another year, a wish that even Ronaldo himself was willing to grant. They ignored Sir Alex Fergusons constant statements of 'he is not for sale, we do not want to sell'. Real responded (through Sporting Director Jorge Valdano) by claiming preposterously that United were holding the player 'hostage'. A player that was contracted to United. I don't know how it works in Spain, but in this country it takes multiple parties for a contract to be binding and I think you would have found that Ronaldo's signature was on that contract. So mind your own fucking business Valdano. Besides, Lord knows how the 'hostage' was struggling to survive on that £120,000 a week contract. This whole episode seemed rather rich coming from a team known as Franco's club during Spain's fascist era.

There willingness to ignore United's importance in the world of football annoyed me infinitely and its not just because it's United, it would have annoyed me if they had done it to any other big club like the ones previously mentioned.

I respect Real Madrids history, but I now have nothing but hatred for the cunts and it brings me such pleasure to see them fail, especially on the European stage.

Fuckers. Keep battling for 'la liga' and enjoy watching Barcelona as they are the only club that will match English dominance in the Champions League.


Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Bob Geldof.

Where do I start with this cunt?

No word of a lie, If I Ran The World I would torture him until he was begging me to end his life. Then I'd release him in the middle of the Sahara. That is how much I hate him.

'Give us your fuckin money.....' Go fuck yourself you tosser, take a few pennies from your own £30m fortune. If I had been a celebrity at the time, I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue (in the process I would probably have destroyed my own career). Just who the fuck does he think he is? Like a lot of other musicians, his own feeling of self-importance got the better of common sense. He tried to guilt-trip others into feeling they were obligated to give money to the cause. One statement that hits the nail on the head is: 'If I wanna give money to Africa, I will. I don't need to play a show in London with a load of tossers patting each other on the back, then watching their bands sales go through the roof.'.

At the Live Aid and Live 8 events, Geldof played 'I Don't Like Mondays' to open both shows. What a self-involved, self-absorbed piece of shit. Was that just a little reward for himself? Because it cannot have been for the huge audience. If he thought any of them wanted to hear that drivel he is even more deluded then I first thought. It's a shit song. FACT. And it's also his ONLY fucking song. So this just adds weight to my belief that Live Aid/8 was as much for Geldofs ego as it was for the people of Africa.

There are four words I'd love to shout at SIR(?) Bob Geldof, words that I know would hurt him: YOU'RE NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE!

Shut the fuck up and fuck off Geldof. Just FUCK OFF. We're all sick off you.

Rugby Union.

Now this is a very personal issue to me, one that I feel passionate about. So, if you are a fan of this 'sport', I wouldn't read on......

Growing up in a rugby LEAGUE town has no doubt influenced my thinking on this sport. Hull K.R and Hull F.C have established themselves as two of the more historic, traditional and respected teams in the game. They dominated the game in the late 70's and 80's and have re-established themselves in the top flight. In addition to this, the amateur game in the region is regarded as one of the strongest in the country and has been for many years.

However, no matter how much this may have influenced my opinion, it baffles me as to how people can enjoy rugby onion. It is utterly detestable. Not just the sport itself, but the people who play it, coach it and watch it.

I'll lay all my cards on the table now. It is a sport played by extremely limited individuals, who are often fat, slow and soft in comparison to league players. Having made the mistake of watching union before, or being made to watch it, it often looks like these blithering idiots would rather be having a fucking orgy with each other.

Union enthusiasts will tell you that their game if far more tactical than league. BULLSHIT. Putting it simply, it's just fucking boring. I'd rather go out drinking with John fucking Major, even that would be more of a laugh. What union people do not understand is that League acknowledges the importance of entertaining the 'paying customer', moving the ball around the pitch with some skill and endeavor to score what we call a "TRY". Union however is one big territorial battle, usually fought out by the two full-backs punting the ball from end to end like a disturbing game of ping-pong played by people with weight disabilities. This horrifyingly boring experience only ends when one of them manages to find that modicum of ability to actually kick the ball into touch.

How 80,000 people can go and watch this turgid shit at 'Twikkers' (Twikkers?!?) every week is beyond me. Watching a group of moronic toffs who weigh 25stone boot a ball back and forth cannot be called entertainment, never mind a sport. All the while, rugby league, a far more  entertaining and free-flowing sport, gets ignored and has to survive on the bones of its arse.

People may say to me 'are you hard enough to play rugby union?', to which i would reply 'maybe not'. Either way, I wouldn't find it that testing to grasp the mentality of the game. 'KICK BALL FAR' being one of them. Also, if I felt like it, i could just rake my studs down some fat bastards back and then hide. Yeah, it's a real hard mans game.

Jonny Wilkinson is a little pussy who can fuck off. Put him in Super League and see how long he lasts. It wouldn't be long, I promise you that. Remember that tackle he made? If you're a rugby league fan you won't because it was  JUST A TACKLE. I remember because it was given relentless coverage on TV. I'd love to see someone like Adrian Morley running at him instead of some lumbering buffoon who's mummy and daddy paid for his Eton education.

Union also represents the huge divide between the north and south, so obviously all the money is in rugby union and it receives substantial backing from the media. I've got good mind to blame that poisonous little woman that used to be in charge of this country. The north is still feeling the affects of that cretinous little urk, even if it is just sport.

If I Ran The World, this so-called sport that is a mockery to the term 'rugby' would be kept solely to the south and well-the-fuck away from TV. 

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Craig Bellamy.

This despicable piece of shit can fuck right off.

The fact that Bellamy is Welsh means he immediately starts on the wrong footing with me. He also plays for Manchester City and counts Liverpool among his former clubs. One of the only things that could make my bias against this piece of scum any stronger is if he played for Leeds. With his acidic personality and repulsive attitude, it is very surprising that he never has played for the white shite. He'd fit in well there.

I'll make this clear now: he's a very good player, top quality without a doubt. But his attitude is disgraceful and there have been many occasions (and i'm sure there will be many more) when I have wished serious pain upon him. He would need serious help if I was on the same pitch as him. I am not claiming to be a hard man at all, but such is my hatred towards him, I wouldn't be able to control my anger.

Walking around with a constant snarl on his face, like a lot of footballers Bellamy thinks he's as hard as nails and everyone else is just a piece of shit on his shoe. However, again like most footballers, Bellamy is all mouth and is most likely a soft little bastard who could cause an argument in an empty room. Without football, I think it would be pretty easy to predict where Bellamy would be. I'll leave that to your imagination, but i think you can guess where I was heading with that one.

My rant may sound like jealousy. Maybe it is. Like I said, he's a top-quality footballer with talent that I could only dream of. And a huge salary to go with it. However, with talent and status comes responsibility. So, I don't think smashing one of your team-mates up with a golf club and getting arrested on numerous occasions (including one for allegedly striking a woman in a nightclub) is a good example to set for young aspiring footballers who no doubt look up to wankers like Bellamy when he's playing for their team. (I am aware of the fact that Bellamy is not the only footballer with a less-than-clean image)

So, I have come to the conclusion that If I Ran The World, he would be sent to live in a rats nest where he belongs. Or back in the fucking valleys. Lord knows that would be punishment enough for me.

Monday, 22 March 2010


If I ran the world.............these bastards would be dealt with brutally. A fucking bloodbath. What a disgusting, rancid sack of shit this show is.

It truly baffles me how people can watch this without being sick. They covered 'Imagine' for gods sake, showing nothing but ignorance as to what that song means to people's memory of John Lennon and what the song meant to Lennon himself. These pathetic little shits murder this song and many others, too many to mention. Plus I don't have a bucket at hand and I don't think I could make it to the toilet in time to deal with the projectile vomit.

It astonishes me, the serious lack of scruples that some of these American shows have. The songs that they cover is what hurts me the most. The show itself is shit, no doubt about that. Thats no surprise though, because it ain't the only one. The songs covered though. My God. It really does damage my faith in the human race when parasites like this can gain any form of popularity, let alone the worldwide fame that these cunts have achieved. The songs do not sound good. The arrangements are fucking awful. Vocals are horrendous. Typically American way of getting something like this to work: 'Lets take a wonderful, heartfelt song that is clearly very personal to the songwriter, add a thick layer of cheese and then rape it visciously.

I would love to meet the makers of this show. Not just so I could take out some of my anger on them. I would actually give them a chance to answer some questions, just so there could be some clarity. But I fear that the answers would not make me happy.


That is all.

(for more reading on this subject, look up